Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
