woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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