sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
