She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i dont even know how to be here
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
