member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize