God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
