I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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