i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
it was like eating out sand paper
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I need a burrito and a hug.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
