I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
