I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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