Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
