Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
