You just made me feel so damn special
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
