Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
