you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
