thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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