Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
