Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
