My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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