i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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