Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
