the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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