You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
