Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
