At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
