Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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