do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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