Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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