Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
