Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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