if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
