i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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