im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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