he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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