woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
