dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
