My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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