did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
