Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
