She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
