I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
