I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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