Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
