She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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