grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
