I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Of course I have a pirate flag
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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