In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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