put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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