I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
