I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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