I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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