Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize