remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
