remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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