Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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