I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
